Sunday, June 27, 2010

GLAMOROUS COPYCAT: The Cindy Crawford Edition

First let me get this out of the way: What the hell is this? James Franco's role in General Hospital is performance art? Give me a fucking break. And I guess there'll be a show next month at the Guggenheim featuring Josh Brolin's social commentary in Jonah Hex. See, this is what happens when people like Joaquin Phoenix are allowed to do whatever the hell they want.
Although what do I know, James did have a solo show way back in '06 at Glu Gallery. Still confused? Read James Franco's essay for The Wall Street Journal.

Back on topic.

Do you want to know how to look like a celebrity on the measly wage you make working on Queen St. West?
Let me show you how, with a photoshop collage and some product placement.

Subject One: Cindy Crawford
Secret of the Mole

Of course I don't mean today's Cindy Crawford. Come on, now she's an old hag that runs a home sensations company. I'm talking late eighties, early nineties Crawford. The one that took your breath away in an Outrageous commercial.

To make your look Cindy Crawford fresh, you will need the following:

First let's just address the elephant in the room, and the most pressing question of all. How do I get that mole?
Well there are several solutions.
1) Draw it on with eyeliner (liquid liner for a more refined effect).
2) Get a fake one. No joke. Hottiedots!. You can buy them in "Toasted Kiss" or "Chocolate Kiss". At first I laughed, but this actually looks kind of fun, like the pimple stickers in Girl Talk, except hotter.
3) Or as some anonymous advice giver online suggested; "glue a peppercorn to your face".

Sun-In (Optional) for some sun-kissing. Although lemon juice is even cheaper. Squeeze a little bit through your hair and sit in the sun for a while, you california girl.
Spray Tan A good friend of mine swears by Sally Hansen Airbrush Legs (also comes in Shimmer) - complete with sparkles - to cover up all sorts of unsightly's. It also has the added benefit of giving you the effervescence of a Stephenie Meyer vampire.
Outrageous shampoo. Not only do you want to look like Cindy, you also want to smell like her. And it's only, like, two bucks at Walmart.
Eyebrow Brush It might take you two months of no plucking and some testosterone injections to get brows that lush, so you can fake it a little by brushing upwards and filling them in with some makeup. I found this cute tutorial on youtube of how to make perfect brows.
Brown (or Plum) Eyeshadow You might want to go with Revlon for authenticity, however I'm a fan of the cheaper brands (Maybelline, Rimmel). And don't forget your shading basics.
Lipstick A brownish shade of red (like Rimmel Ballistic) or a more neutral colour (Rimmel Birthday Suit). If you can't figure it out, raid your mom's makeup bag for a colour reference.
Hairspray Flip your hair over, spray some aerosal around, blow dry it (yes even if it's not wet) and tease or fluff a little. I suggest Aussie Aussome Volume based on price  and effectiveness, although it may overpower the floral prune scent of your Outrageous shampoo.
Metallic Bathing Suit Amidst all the scandal and sleaze, AA does still offer affordable metallic and 80's inspired bathing suits. (Just be sure to watch out for fecal matter).

And so concludes the first installment of Glamorous Copycat.

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