Total Eclipse of the Bone

Going to see Eclipse this week. Yes, still another Twilight movie without intercourse. And yet, I keep watching. When they finally do it in Breaking Dawn, Cineplex is going to have to lay down plastic on all the seats. This much sexual tension can't be good for young girls.

(No I didn't make that image)
And in case you're Team Edward, you might want to click this link to see evidence that suggests, the real reason he's holding out.

Will be in Toronto next week (What? You're not in Toronto right now? No.) for my workshop with Kelley Armstrong. She's the author of the well-known The Otherworld books, and the YA Darkest Powers series. Gotta say, I'm pretty pumped. This year is going by so fast. Soon I wrap up my creative writing course with Richard Scrimger, author of Me & Death: An Afterlife Adventure. I feel so grateful for everything good that's come my way this year. I'm at a Fork, and it's not the one filled with glittery vampires. Har, har. (Or is it Forks?) And then it's off to finding an apartment in Montreal for September. And uh, then I guess I better learn some french.

After my first day of class, I'm going to walk up to Bloor Cinema to watch Mother. Written and directed by South Korean Bong Joon-ho, the same guy who wrote and directed The Host. The Host is one of my favourite films. And I do not like sub-titles.


Wanted to give a quick review of Splice. It's one part V.C. Andrews (you know you read that shit when you were fourteen), one part science fiction and one part eighties B movie. Definitely worth watching if that sounds good to you. I enjoyed it. Couldn't speak for about five minutes after leaving the theatre, but a solid movie in the genre.

And finally, I'm sure you've all seen it by now, the video of Chris Brown pretending to cry in front of a huge audience (at the B.E.T.'s? I don't know. Something us whities aren't fameelyar with). Whether it's a case of being a shitty singer and trying to find a way around it, faking tears to portray himself as sensitive after pulverizing a woman's face, or because he's got a dick the size of a coffee bean. Who cares? The bottom line is that he cried while choking out the odd word to Man in the Mirror. We all know you can sing and cry. Who hasn't seen a season finale of American Idol? What makes Chris Brown's pain any more debilitating? If you don't already hate the guy as much as the rest of the world does, fast-forward to the 4:30 mark.

What a fag.

Jessica Alba - Leggy Riding a Bike in Paris (10 pics)

Jessica Alba, Leggy Candids in Paris

Jessica Alba leggy was seen with friends riding a bike and at the Luxembourg Park's playground as she's out and about in Paris June 26, 2010.

GLAMOROUS COPYCAT: The Cindy Crawford Edition

First let me get this out of the way: What the hell is this? James Franco's role in General Hospital is performance art? Give me a fucking break. And I guess there'll be a show next month at the Guggenheim featuring Josh Brolin's social commentary in Jonah Hex. See, this is what happens when people like Joaquin Phoenix are allowed to do whatever the hell they want.
Although what do I know, James did have a solo show way back in '06 at Glu Gallery. Still confused? Read James Franco's essay for The Wall Street Journal.


Back on topic.

Do you want to know how to look like a celebrity on the measly wage you make working on Queen St. West?
Let me show you how, with a photoshop collage and some product placement.

Subject One: Cindy Crawford
Secret of the Mole

Of course I don't mean today's Cindy Crawford. Come on, now she's an old hag that runs a home sensations company. I'm talking late eighties, early nineties Crawford. The one that took your breath away in an Outrageous commercial.

To make your look Cindy Crawford fresh, you will need the following:

First let's just address the elephant in the room, and the most pressing question of all. How do I get that mole?
Well there are several solutions.
1) Draw it on with eyeliner (liquid liner for a more refined effect).
2) Get a fake one. No joke. Hottiedots!. You can buy them in "Toasted Kiss" or "Chocolate Kiss". At first I laughed, but this actually looks kind of fun, like the pimple stickers in Girl Talk, except hotter.
3) Or as some anonymous advice giver online suggested; "glue a peppercorn to your face".

Sun-In (Optional) for some sun-kissing. Although lemon juice is even cheaper. Squeeze a little bit through your hair and sit in the sun for a while, you california girl.
Spray Tan A good friend of mine swears by Sally Hansen Airbrush Legs (also comes in Shimmer) - complete with sparkles - to cover up all sorts of unsightly's. It also has the added benefit of giving you the effervescence of a Stephenie Meyer vampire.
Outrageous shampoo. Not only do you want to look like Cindy, you also want to smell like her. And it's only, like, two bucks at Walmart.
Eyebrow Brush It might take you two months of no plucking and some testosterone injections to get brows that lush, so you can fake it a little by brushing upwards and filling them in with some makeup. I found this cute tutorial on youtube of how to make perfect brows.
Brown (or Plum) Eyeshadow You might want to go with Revlon for authenticity, however I'm a fan of the cheaper brands (Maybelline, Rimmel). And don't forget your shading basics.
Lipstick A brownish shade of red (like Rimmel Ballistic) or a more neutral colour (Rimmel Birthday Suit). If you can't figure it out, raid your mom's makeup bag for a colour reference.
Hairspray Flip your hair over, spray some aerosal around, blow dry it (yes even if it's not wet) and tease or fluff a little. I suggest Aussie Aussome Volume based on price  and effectiveness, although it may overpower the floral prune scent of your Outrageous shampoo.
Metallic Bathing Suit Amidst all the scandal and sleaze, AA does still offer affordable metallic and 80's inspired bathing suits. (Just be sure to watch out for fecal matter).

And so concludes the first installment of Glamorous Copycat.

Leggy Ashley Greene Spotted in Denim Shorts (10 pics)

Leggy Ashley Greene Spotted in Denim Shorts

The Twilight star Ashley Greene just keeps getting better and better, She looked chic in a black and white striped tank top and jean cut-offs. Thankfully, it looks like the starlet didn't go overboard on the tanning and still retained a natural look.

2010's Top Ten Celebrity Lust List (A Belated Valentine Confession)

Incredibly belated, but here nevertheless. Only one celeb made the cut from last year's list.
In no particular order.

1. Megan Fox

Yeah that's right. Megan Fox. Again. Tanned, white as snow, twiggy and taut, or boobalicious and full of Restylane. She's the one. Jennifer's Body was awesome - don't doubt the irresistibility of a cannibal cheerleader. (And yes I own Jennifer's Body the graphic novel, and Jennifer's Body the YA novel). When Aubrey Plaza gave her speech on the MTV Awards this year, it was like my brain leaking on live television.

2. Aubrey Plaza

Speaking of, I've had a crush on her since I started watching Parks and Recreation. She's sassy.
Here's a video of her stand-up as Sarah Silverman.

3. Jensen Ackles

I watched Supernatural when it first came on, and fell in love. Then I moved, didn't get cable, didn't have my own computer, the DVDs were expensive, and that was that. Then all of these problems solved themselves. And Supernatural was back in my life. And so was Jensen Ackles. Along with flare pants. Come on guys, give Dean better jeans. However his  eyes penetrate my soul like Extra Strength Bengay, and his throat-scratchingly deep voice (and I mean throat-scratching; that can't be natural) are too sexy to ignore.

4. Billy Burke

The Hot Dad from Twilight. Arguably Peter Facinelli is also The Hot Dad from Twilight, but I'm all country. Plaid shirt, stubble, mashed potatoes and a badge. Give it to me.

5. Kristen Stewart

I swear I'm not trying to plug Twilight. She's hot and I want her eyebrows. The whole I'm-not-angsty-I'm-just-misunderstood thing is kind of sexy. She's like the bad girl in high school that was cool because she didn't want to be. I don't know if she actually is a lez, but the rumors don't hurt. What, what?

6. Mary Elizabeth Winstead

Does anyone remember her in Wolf Lake (starring Lou Diamond Phillips!)? How bout that creepy makeout scene to Deftones in the dude from Vampire Diaries car? She's also been in a bunch of movies I like; Death Proof, the Black Christmas remake (maybe "like" is a strong word), and Final Destination 3 (and yes the word "like" is definitely appropriate). She's also in the soon to hit theaters Scott Pilgrim movie (set in Toronto! by Ontario-native comic artist! Bryan Lee O'Malley) and the in-production remake of/prequel to The Thing. Oh yeah, plus she's hot.
Scott Pilgrim VS. The World Trailer


7. Alexander Skarsgard

Fuckin' hell... There are so many photos of this guy's ass on the internet. And to think he played one of those gay models in Zoolander. I don't even know what the hell else he's in besides True Blood. Which by the way, is off to a great fucking start this season. I bet he gets so much pussy his dick is going to be condemned by the humane society. Girls, click this link to be taken to A-Skars showering to a techno version of a Fleetwood Mac song.

8. Joshua Jackson

I'm really glad he's had a career revival with Fringe. I can't really think of much else he's done that I've liked since his legendary role as Pacey Witter: Teacher Fucker. He seemed to be in every movie I watched in the 90s; Urban Legend, Cruel Intentions, Scream 2 , The Mighty Ducks, Apt Pupil, and The Skulls (technically 2000). Who didn't have a crush on him back then? Glad to say a decade later he's re-ignited the fire in my nethers that was senselessly put out by too much whining and Dawson Leery.

9. Katie Cassidy

Usually blonde, I swear I'm not biased, I just couldn't find any photos like this of her with her natural (usual?) hair colour.
She's in the upcoming Chris Carter movie Fencewalker, sadly no aliens. She won me over as Ruby in Supernatural. She starred in Harper's Island, the murder mystery series, which had one of those "the only way for you to see/the only way for us to be together is to kill everyone we know" endings. She also starred in Black Christmas (remake), When a Stranger Calls (remake), the new Freddy movie (remake), and the shit-canned Revenge of the Nerds (remake). And she's in Melrose Place (remake). I guess her track list doesn't look so hot after all. But hey we've all gotta pay the bills, and being Queen of the Remake isn't such a bad title. Plus I think she's a steady up-and-comer, and more importantly I like her.

10. Justin Bieber

Just kidding!

10. Jason Stackhouse... I mean Ryan Kwanten

He plays Jason Stackhouse amazingly. In fact, I'm kind of obsessed with everyone on that show; the actors and the characters they play. But anyway look at him. A quick google will reveal abs aplenty.

If you didn't make the list this year, it's because you're either:
A) Dating Peaches Geldof
B) Not as hot as Megan Fox
or
C) I don't even remember you from last years list.

Better luck next year!